Confirming My Decision

A couple of months ago, I decided that I was going to leave my position as the social services director at Ranchwood Nursing Center. I had gotten another job and gave my notice. On my last day at the nursing home, I felt that I was making a terrible decision but it was too late, my replacement had already started. So I started my new job on a Monday, I knew after that first day that the decision to leave the nursing home was the wrong one. So I went in on Tuesday with the attitude of I didnt make a mistake this is where I am supposed to be. By lunch time, I felt this horrible feeling in my stomach and I just knew that I need to quit. So I went into my knew bosses office and told her I was quitting. She looked very shocked, of course who could blame her. So I packed all of my stuff up and left. I showed up at Ranchwood, crying and jobless wondering what I was going to do. I told my ex-boss that I had quit, he told me everything would work out and to go home and not think about it. One week later, I went to get my last paycheck at Ranchwood. I decided to go ask my replacement how things were going. She didnt look to excited to be there. I told her that I had quit my job and was no longer employeed. She asked me if I would take my job back because she wanted to return to her previous job. As crazy as it sounds I started back at Ranchwood the very next day.

I have always wondered if I had given the job a long enough chance and if I should have stuck it out. Well today, I got my answer. I was at the doctor, with a resident and we were waiting for our ride back to the nursing home. We had been sitting and visiting for about 30 minutes, when a lady asked me where we were from. I told her and she replied, they are very lucky to have you there at Ranchwood. She said she was very impressed with how much attention I was giving to my resident. She said most of the time no one pays attention to the resident and are to busy on their cell phones. My resident responded that she knew how lucky they were to have me. I knew at that very moment that I had made the right decision by going back to my job. I cant imagine being anywhere else.

Suprising myself

As I read other army wives and blogs about how horrible they are doing and how they feel like this deployment feels like a nightmare, I think to myself "is there something wrong with me" Dont get me wrong when we first found out that shawn was leaving for a year long deployment, I felt like my world had ended and that I would never survive. I think now I have just come to accept the fact that this is what is happening in my life. I have no choice but to deal with the hand that I have been dealt. I have become used to Shawn being gone but I am ready for him to come home. I just know that the Army is in his blood and he would not have it any other way. I know that he doesnt want to be away from his family but he loves what he does! I support that 100%. I guess that I have grown during this deployment to learn that my life isnt going to end because my husband is being deployed. I just hope it doesnt happen again!!!

Always have been independent

Ever since I was 19, I have lived on my own. I loved living on my own. I got married in 2004 and of course that all changed. I have been married for almost 4 years but of the last year my husband has been on a year long deployment. So once again I am living alone. I have never considered myself to be someone that needed a guy around all the time. I am still independent but I realize that I need my husband here. He is my best friend and someone that I depend on when things get rough. Since he has been gone I have only had myself to rely on which is nothing that I am not used to. I never realized until lately that I do need him a lot more than I allow myself to admit. I can take care of things around the house. Its not that kind of things that I need him to take care of. It is the emotional things, the ones that only he understands. He knows how to cheer me up when I am feeling down. He can ALWAYS make me laugh. That is one of the things that I miss most. It is hard for me to really tell him when I am down since he is in Iraq and dealing with more serious stuff than me having a bad day. But even though I try to hide it from him he still knows. I think that is what makes him my soulmate!!!

Missing Shawn

I am missing Shawn so much I cant stand it. I never thought that I would have so much anxiety about his homecoming. When he returns he will have been gone for a little over 10 months. We both have changed a lot during this time. I am so worried that we have drifted apart and are not going to know each other. What happens if we are strangers and things are too different for us to stay together. I love him with all my heart. I am just worried that he isnt going to feel the same.
We have only been able to talk to each other for 30 minutes once a week, if that. It has been very difficult on me and him too. The hardest part is that he isnt able to share any information with me due to privacy issues. So i feel like i am in a one sided relationship. I know that it has been hard on him to. I just wish that someone understood what I was feeling. He says that I am worried about nothing but I feel like I have something to really be concerned with.

Now in Double Digits

Well today I checked out my countdown on when shawn comes home and starting tomorrow we are out of triple digits and have moved into double digits. This has been the time that I have been looking forward to the most being able to say we have less than 100 days!!! I am very suprised at how fast this time has gone. I thought this was going to be the longest year ever. But we are in the second week in july so...HURRY UP OCTOBER!!!! I have learned a lot about myself during this time. I always knew that I was independent but I have discovered that I am a strong woman. I think I can make it through anything now! I have also developed a strong love for this country. I have always been very patriotic my dad is a retired marine so it was instilled in me at an early age. But now that I am an adult it is a diffrent love. I am so thankful that there are soldiers willing to risk their lives so that I can live in a free country. I am also thankful that one of those soldiers is mine. He wrote me a letter before he left and in it he wrote that he is going to Iraq to fight so that I would be safe at home. I dont think I have ever forgotten those words. He is there fighting for something that he strongly believes in. I have supported him 110% and will continue to do that. I am so ready to have him back here with me and I am hoping that he doesnt have to go again, but if he does I know that its for something is believes in so strongly.